NO SILENT TEARS
I know there are many many women out there that have had miscarriages. It's been 9 years since mine and it's seems to get worse year after year. Every month is a reminder .
Nine years ago I was happy and excited to be pregnant again. One day I had one light pink spot. I called and asked about it. Said it can happen as long as its not alot, heavy and dark. I was ok. The next night I started bleeding. I kept having the urge to go to the bathroom it felt like it was so much. Drove to the ER and had a friend meet me. I had that urge and the nurse said just take your friend with you. Yes friend, not husband cause he couldn't show up at the same time as THAT friend, hint hint. Lol.
I went and I knew what happened this time. I had my baby right there in the ER bathroom. And its a moment where you want to look but you don't. And I did! I won't go into details. I could even see their lil sac. I was 11 weeks. I wasn't far along but I still lost my child, my second child.
After a few years I started getting more and more upset about it. Especially during my cycle. Mostly because what I saw that night of my miscarriage and what you can see during your cycle. It's gross I know to some but I know there has to be others that go through this and have this feeling.
Tuesday night (9-6-16) I had the worst moment I've ever had. I had been real heavy this time and there's no nice way to put this but you can pass clots during a heavy cycle. It looked just like the sac the baby is in. I lost it. I just had to sit back down and cry. And then, and it sounds crazy, we have old brown doors in our house and the grain can look like stuff. Faces and what not. Here I was crying and looked at the door and in this one spot it looked just like a baby's face looking back. OHHH, I lost it!!! But yet it was a comfort. Later I tried to look at that spot again and could not see the face.
Trying to understand why it's getting worse for me over the years.?.? Something is there that needs to be dealt with. The drama that was going on at that time. That's past and I've dealt with it. I feel I have. I've tried to do things I did from my Post Abortive Bible Study with the miscarriage. I honestly feel it has helped me but then there's all this that's happening lately. It's been like this every month when my cycle comes around.
I know God is with me. I don't know yet what He wants me to learn or do yet but I'm listening with an open heart and mind.
A couple years ago. Kaylee helped me name the baby. We both agreed to Jessie Taylor. Didn't know if the baby was a boy or girl and that felt like a perfect name. This hurts even to talk about it but if my experience can help anyone even myself by just writing it, its well worth it.
