LORD I PRAY FOR OPEN HEARTS AND MINDS BEFORE ANYONE READS MY STORY! FEEL THEIR HEARTS WITH YOUR LOVE! YOUR COMPASSION! LET THEM REMEMBER YOUR GRACE! IN JESUS NAME AMEN!
Some have heard this already but it really says what I want everyone to know.
The Bible says in Luke 8:17 - For nothing is secret that will not be revealed, nor anything hidden that will not be known and come to light.
These secrets, big or small, hidden deep within will start to come up the closer we get to God. And its not to hurt us, its to save us.
We all have secrets at sometime that we keep from usually those we love the most. Imagine living with one for 13 years. Then imagine what it would be like to be free from the hold it had on you, or actually the hold you let it have on you. Well, I can say that I took the power away from my secret.
If you let it have that power, secrets can literally kill us. Our hearts & minds die everyday that we don't speak up. Especially once you realize it can possibly help people. That's how I felt when God showed me its time to speak UP!! But that was the easy part, the hardest part is the first time telling someone, which would be my parents. And it was, the hurt I know they felt but still saying I love you & I'm proud of you for what you're doing. They are truly one of my greatest blessing.
How I got to the night of telling them was God winding my path right where it needed to be. From being saved 5 years ago at Trenton Community Church and building my faith & foundation to 4 years later being invited by one of my best friends to come to Union Baptist Church and meeting my pastor Bro. David Hays, who in turn was able to help me talk to the right woman, my dear friend now Ashley, who had THE bible study for me. A study for post-abortive women. So yes, 13 years ago I made the decision to have an abortion and I have lived with the guilt, the regret, the shame and disgust with myself ever since. And living with it by myself. That is until the night of Sept. 06, 2014. The night I told my parents and the night God revealed to me my son's name. So, stepping out into the unknown God will do great things and He certainly showed up that night. God gave my son the name Caleb. His name means courageous. God knew exactly what I needed.
Most of us know Caleb is from the Old Testament. He was one of the 12 spies sent into the promised land. Reading everything I could that night about Caleb was a standing block to start from and not stop the journey God has for me. This one verse tho, means so much to me.
Numbers 13:30
Then Caleb quieted the people before Moses, and said, We must go up at once and take possession, for we are well able to overcome it.
That verse speaks so much about how with God by my side, I can overcome whatever God wants me to go through and whatever satan tries to throw at me.
Over the years since I've been saved I can remember asking God to forgive me more than once for what I had done. During the study God & my teachers helped me to realize it was me not forgiving myself because from the very first time God forgave me and forgot. I was just beating myself up for it.
Of course now I know that I am completely forgiven & I forgive myself, otherwise I would never be able to move on. Because we all know that God didn't want the abortion to happen, but He knew I would make the choice, but He also knew the choice I could take later on.
Psalm 139: 1-7
O Lord, You have searched me and known me,
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is now a word on my tongue,
But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.
You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high, I cannot attain it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your Presence?
Praise God we can't hide from Him and He is always with us!!!!
So I will take the path to use my past for good. My child's death will not be in vain.
Because there are too many young girls & women out there who just need a loving word or gesture to change a heart. To save lives. Those, like me, need someone who understands & won't pass judgement. Cause there are women & men who are hurting out there.
I know for a lot of my family & friends this is & will be a shock. Wondering why I did it & why I never told them. But know that SHAME IS A TRULY EVIL UGLY THING. It can make you do things you never thought you would & keep it from those you love the most, but in the end your just hurting them & yourself.
For anyone wondering, Kaylee does know. She is ok. She understands the best she can. But she is helping me & knows to come to me with any questions. As I knew God would, He answered my prayer for her to understand the best she can and to forgive me. She has & that's the important part. God will use her too. We will be a fighting pair for all God's children.
After you know all I can do is keep praying that God continues to answer my prayers of open & accepting hearts as He has been doing.
BUT NO MATTER WHAT I KNOW I AM FORGIVEN & THAT JESUS LOVES ME & HE WILL NOT HURT ME WITH THIS. IT'S NOT IN HIS MIND ANYMORE WHEN HE THINKS OF ME.
His word says so,
Hebrew 8:12 says, For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more.
Yes I was a liar, a thief, a murderer, yet here I am loved, forgiven and redeemed. The only thing God sees is the blood of Jesus covering me. He doesn't see what I was, He sees what I am today. His child doing her best to live for Him.
IF ANYTHING IS TO COME OUT OF THIS, DON'T LET ANYONE, EVEN YOURSELF, MAKE YOU THINK YOU CAN'T BE FORGIVEN.
IF YOU COULDN'T THEN I WOULDN'T BE WHERE I AM TODAY. GOD WOULD NOT BLESS ME WITH KNOWING MY CHILD. HE WOULD NOT GIVE ME THE HOPE THAT I HAVE THAT HE WILL HELP ME HELP OTHERS. THAT HIS NAME WILL BE GLORIFIED IN ALL THINGS.
God has shown me miraculous things over the past months and the past 2 weeks. No one can tell me He is isn't real, that He doesn't hear us in our darkest times. He is waiting for us to call out to Him. All we have to do is call out His name.
Jesus Jesus Jesus.
I am well able to overcome it with Jesus by my side!!
My story is still being written!!
God bless
It's time to update my story!!! Today (2-11-16) I heard some things that really bothered me. Such as, I COULD NEVER FORGIVE A WOMAN FOR KILLING HER BABY!! I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW A WOMAN COULD DO THAT! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT! Inside I wanted to SCREAM it, but I didnt.
Can YOU forgive me? Someone you've worked with and talked about the Bible with so much with! And become friends with! Can you forgive me? Can you work with me now? Or is it going to be weird? Are you going to look down on me now? What's going to happen? I'm in a room with "Christians". They say murderers can be forgiven. It came out of their mouths. And they get upset when abortion gets brought up. But they don't know. Maybe someone is carrying something around like I am.
The way I felt today, I felt lower than dirt, for just a little while. Then it went away because I know Jesus loves ME! All that is washed away! I went from feeling like dirt, like OH NO what if they know, then it went to wanting to just get everyone's attention and telling them my story. The moment left. Telling my story in front of everybody at church wasn't a problem. Telling those I work with is much harder. I have to see and work with them everyday. I pray this will reach them!
